This movie has, um, spoilers, so seriously, stay away if you plan on seeing this in the immediate future. I am also writing this entirely on memory and on a bottle of Gatorade so bear with me.
Green Lantern is the tale of a heroic test pilot who is chosen by a magic ring to become a superhero because he is fearless. Replace heroic with “complete asshole,” though.
Hal Jordan is undoubtedly fearless, except for the part where he chokes in a test flight because he sees a picture of his dad and has a Vietnam flashback of him blowing up in his plane. He and his love interest, Carol Ferris, who is his love interest because he doesn’t know any other women I guess, test their skills against her father’s new super prototype pilot-less plane that does not make silly mistakes that pilots make, like having instincts. Hal Jordan decides the best way to win is to go against the rules of engagement, use his wingman as a decoy and has her shot down, and then when his plane goes to shit, our fearless hero freaks out and damages the plane and the two prototype planes. Oh, and because he freaked out and bails on his plane anyway, having his wingman get killed was just adding insult to injury and, in combat, would have resulted in Hal being court martialed, tried, and possibly charged with manslaughter.
This results in him getting (correctly) chewed out for destroying billions of dollars’ of equipment and getting many engineers fired from their jobs. He responds with “Shit happens,” because shit will indeed happen.
Meanwhile, in much more interesting outer space, a creature that feeds entirely on fear (the color yellow), uh, is a complete dick, and hurts one of the Green Lanterns so badly that he dies crash landing on Earth. He asks the ring to go find his replacement, and finds Hal. Fearless Hal, from which he will now be identified, and scared out of his fucking mind, is magically transported to the crash site and, through deleted scenes or bad editing, happily accepts the ring, NO QUESTIONS ASKED, and the lantern, and laments the death of his new friend the alien as opposed to being completely shocked and bewildered that a fucking alien crash landed on fucking EARTH.
Fearless Hal becomes the Green Lantern, is given a five-minute tutorial on how to be Green Lantern (click the Help button!), which says he can create anything he wills but the ring has to be recharged in 24 hours or something, like a smartphone. Sinestro is so upset by the death of his mentor he decides Hal is (correctly) a complete jerkass wimp and Fearless Hal quits being Green Lantern. He is reminded by another Green Lantern that the ring chose him for a purpose, because he is fearless. So fearless, in fact, that he nearly pisses himself several times throughout the movie.
Meanwhile, a balding Peter Sarsgaard is called to perform an autopsy on the dead alien and at this point in the movie we have no reason to bear ill will to this character. However, the yellow alien shit they found in the dead Green Lantern manages to enter Sarsgaard’s circulatory system despite wearing rubber gloves and OH NOES HE IS NOW THE VILLAIN! He meets with his father, a loony ass Tim Robbins, who seems to like his son and apologizes to him for the theatrics regarding his super secret lab, but Sarsgaard hates his dad–I guess because he pokes fun at him that he can’t get dates or something. Okay!
Fearless Hal and Carol patch up their, uh, relationship, and says she doesn’t hate him even though he sent her to “die” in a test flight, got tons of people fired and embarrassed her father in front of the US military who made the wise decision of sending their best pilots up, including the douchiest one, against the drones he was trying to sell for whatever reason. Oh, and he ditches her the moment she brings up his dad. Outside the bar they were drinking at, Fearless Hal is accosted by three of the men he got fired earlier that day or week and, in true heroism, uses the Green Lantern ring to make a giant fist that sends them all flying and probably crippled for the rest of their lives. That’ll show those assholes for being angry about losing their jobs because of one douchey pilot.
Somewhere in here, Sinestro is pleading to the Guardians about how they should probably do something about Parallax, since he killed a bunch of Green Lanterns and wiped out like two planets’ worth of people. The Guardians DO NOT GIVE A FUCK, nor will they for the rest of this movie. Sinestro calls a meeting and gets his fellow GL Corps all rallied for a fight, and off they go to fight Parallax. They get their asses kicked. Whoops. Apparently these GLs were pretty scared and got their souls sucked out or something.
Peter Sarsgaard feels weird, and powerful. Oh man, he can read minds and tap into memories! He uses his powers on a douchey college student before running away and screaming in one of about five scenes of him screaming.
Meanwhile, Carol patches shit up and manages to land the military contract for her father’s company. A big party is held. Fearless Hal is there, too, even though he is on suspension and grounded as a pilot, who runs into Peter Sarsgaard. They hate each other, for some reason, I think. They have one line of awkward dialogue and then Carol comes in. I guess Sarsgaard really hates that Carol likes Fearless Hal’s abs more than his balding head. Tim Robbins is there, too, being a jovial dude, but man does Sarsgaard hate him. So much that he tries to crash his father’s helicopter but fails, because the Green Lantern shows up and makes a Micro Machines race track to save the day! Oh and a large display almost crushes Carol after she crashes into the band’s instruments, but she is saved by a foxhole Fearless Hal created or some shit.
After this scene, Fearless Hal has a one-on-one with Carol, where he expresses concern that he is afraid of this new ‘job’ and thinks he sucks at it, and Carol tells him “Well, you do kind of suck.” Fearless Hal goes away and I guess takes a walk to think about what a douche he is. In all of this, Tim Robbins’ secret government scientists try to solve Peter Sarsgaard’s Giant Headed Villain Syndrome, but he’s not having that shit. He starts destroying the lab and the employees, and in swoops in Fearless Hal to save the day, except for the part where Hal couldn’t save Tim Robbins, who gets roasted the fuck alive. Jeez. At this point in the movie I am trying to figure out why Peter Sarsgaard hates Tim Robbins so much, and Fearless Hal. I mean, he is a complete douche, but there is more to it than the film will ever show us.
So, Peter Sarsgaard attacks things, and we don’t know why. Fearless Hal is useless, and a dick. Sinestro decides they should fight fire with fire and builds a yellow ring of fear to use to destroy Parallax, the ACTUAL villain of this movie. Fearless Hal decides enough is enough and visits the Guardians again and pleads with them to let him take down Parallax in what is probably a suicide mission. Once again, the Guardians DO NOT GIVE A FUCK, but when Fearless Hal calls them afraid, they DO GIVE A FUCK, in the same way Marty McFly in Back to the Future went ape shit if he was called a chicken. They give him the go ahead after he gives an inspirational speech he most likely looked up on IMDB seconds before delivering it… to do what he was doing already. One wonders why he needed permission to go fight evil that’s like right above their heads.
Peter Sarsgaard, who physically mutated into Tommy Wiseau, director of the masterpiece The Room, kidnaps Carol, I guess, somehow, and threatens Fearless Hal to, um, NOT be Green Lantern I think or he’ll pump Carol so full of that yellow alien shit that she’ll be so fugly to the point of undateable (he SERIOUSLY says this!). He just doesn’t like Hal, and why should he? I can’t even answer that. The movie never shows us why. Hal tricks Sarsgaard into wearing the Green Lantern ring and OH SHIT IT HURTS HIM BECAUSE THE RING CHOSE HAL! Okay, with the fake villain defeated, it’s time for Hal to take on Parallax, who is two parts squid, seven parts feces, and all Smug (as seen in the South Park episode of the same name). Hal makes a bunch of shit to fight it off, most notably an anti-aircraft gun. Next scene, without ANY transition whatsoever so this is not just poor transitioning on my part, they’re in outer space. After endless efforts to down Parallax, Hal decides the sun should burn this motherfucker. So the rest of the battle is Hal nudging Parallax ever so slowly to the sun. Did I mention there is anENTIRE GREEN LANTERN CORPS, THOUSANDS OF THESE MOTHERFUCKERS, JUST HANGING AROUND instead of, like, ASSISTING WITH THE BATTLE? This is taking too long, both the movie and I think, and Hal finally nudges Parallax enough that the sun’s gravitational pull yanks him in and cooks it. Hal is exhausted and almost burns himself, until the Green Lantern Corps, five of them anyway, arrive in time to yank him back into space and the day is saved.
Hal tells Carol “I have to go now, my (new) planet needs me!” and the credits roll. Goodbye, Poochie, we’ll miss you! I mean, Hal!
The major spoiler here? Hal Jordan is the villain of Green Lantern.